5 steps to deal with arguments.

  1. Wait to talk until you both are no longer upset
  2. Give up the idea of being right. Don’t focus on details. Focus on how you feel
  3. Verbalize your understanding of how the other person feels
  4. Quash any impulse to defend yourself
  5. Accept that it will take a while to feel better. Set a time to check in and monitor progress

from: http://lifehacker.com/follow-these-five-steps-to-make-up-after-an-argument-1605311973

I really wish I got into reading up on self improvement stuff earlier as it probably would have changed somethings in my life pretty significantly.

Anyways, simple is usually best approach and these steps are, which makes people wonder its that obvious and I never thought to do that?

The tough part is not finding the way, its actually doing it.

“There is a difference between knowing the path and walking the path.”

I personally have a problem of letting down a guard and not defending myself, because of stuff/reasons/things. That is usually the biggest obstacle to overcome for me and one habit difficult to change. It’s being something I’ve done most of my life and very hard to let down.

The second problem I face is not focusing on details, right or wrong is usually very subjective and not very constructive to ending arguments amicably. I am really detail oriented person, I like to know the specifics of things and not forget any details. This leads to me be very obstinate on things, especially on things I care about.

Considering the feelings of others in the arguments I have with them is a 50/50 thing. If they care nothing for how I feel, I am apt to do likewise to them. I come from a culture that is big on respect, and the most important part of that is you treat everyone with respect because respect is something shown and then given in turn.

Waiting to communicate after things cool down is another obvious thing but rarely followed through on. I’ve made that mistake many times or fooled myself into thinking I’ve cooled down only to realize that hurt feelings still bubble below the surface, just waiting to boil over from some offhand callous remark.

In dealing with emotions and feelings of myself and others, that is something I’ve just learned how to do over time. I takes some self awareness and empathy to learn that emotions and feelings are not right or wrong, it just is. You have them and they are part of your being, too apply labels is to quantify something and measure it against something that cannot, or should not, be counted or kept score of. It is just something that people have to work out between themselves and walk away satisfied with. No one wins or loses.

I really do wish I had taken the time to read whats available online to help improve myself at an earlier age. My mistake was thinking I knew enough to deal, when in fact it was like the wildling woman Ygritte would say, I know nothing.


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